Category Archives: Personal

Error 404: Purpose not Found

Standard

tumblr_n8lo5ix14K1shs9nho1_500

A few years ago, a notable commercial ad aired the Philippine television screens. It made an impact to me, and without a doubt, to most Filipino viewers as well. It’s an advertisement for a popular coffee brand, and the tagline goes like this: “Para kanino ka bumabangon? (What motivates you to get up every morning?)”

Back then I would answer stuff like, “for my family,” “for my mom,” “for God.” Answering that question felt so easy, and yet until now I still find it very difficult to get up in the morning. I wonder if it has something to do with me being a heavy sleeper, but then this is still the case even when I complete my 8 hours of sleep.

Seriously though, what motivates me? Nothing seems to excite me enough to get up and start a new day. Everyday is just a routinary set of mundane tasks–work 12-14 hours a day for 5.5 days a week, and then catch up with friends and relax on the remaining 1.5 days. Those 5.5 days of work extremely dries up my energy, and I now feel like I’m living to work, rather than working to live.

No matter where I go, this is the feeling I get. Is something wrong with me, or is this career just not for me? I mean, for my current job, the pay is quite nice and it’s near our house, so what else can I ask for..right..? Well.. I would greatly appreciate even just a tiny bit more free time.

There are a few options available for me: transfer to the bpo industry (most of which is situated in the heart of the metro and would take me at least 2 hours travel time to get there–but the pay is good and the work hours are more forgiving), work abroad (quite risky but I’m feeling adventurous so why not?), or consider a career change (would definitely love a career as a writer or a graphic artist lol). Or maybe, just maybe, stay put in my current job and end my long streak of job hopping?

Whenever one is at a crossroads like this, people say, “God has a purpose why He placed you there.” I hope it gets revealed to me soon.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.”  –Mark Twain

for_i_know_the_plans-43673

7 Tell-Tale Signs You’re Having a Quarter-Life Crisis

Standard

I turned 25 just half a month ago and I can say that QLC is definitely a real thing, and not just some sort of a fad where everyone seems to have jumped onto the bandwagon because it’s cool. For quite a while now, I’ve been feeling lost and helpless and frustrated upon finding out that adult life isn’t what I initially expected it to be. This is especially true if you are extremely introverted and socially awkward; it will be like playing a videogame on Ultra Hard Mode. :p

The following are some tell-tale signs that you are having a QLC. These are based on my personal experience.

  1. Job promiscuity.
    “So you’re a college graduate? Good! And you have a professional license? Even better! However, we’re looking for applicants who already have work experience so we can only offer you this much salary in exchange for us slaving you to death.”
    All your college days, you were revved up to the idea of working and earning money as a reward for your hard work studying.
    What’s sad is when you do finish five years of studying and about half a year of preparing for a licensure exam, and you realize that it isn’t the kind of work that you would want to do (all the more for lawyers and doctors, God forbid). Even sadder is the idea of practicing your profession your entire life but not liking it one bit.
  2. You’re tired, depressed, and negative.
    Why am I always so low on energy and can’t survive the day without caffeine? When will I ever get my “me time”? Why am I stuck in this awful job? When will I be able to save enough money so I can quit my day job and finally bless the world with my sheer artistic talent? (Heheh.) Since when did keeping friends and making new ones become so hard?
  3. Endless boredom.
    You binge-watch Youtube videos, you binge-read Buzzfeed articles, you binge-browse at Facebook, you binge-everything. You’d go on vacations once in a while and yet they all feel so rushed and short-lived. No matter what you do, you feel like you’re stuck in a rut.
  4. You’re wishing to do something crazy but too afraid to get out of your comfort zone.
    Your comfort zone is the number of things you can do without feeling anxious. Hence, this can be especially hard if you’re a person with anxiety issues.
  5. Romance pressures.
    Your parents keep on asking when you plan on getting married. Your friends nudge you to be more proactive in the dating game and set you up with random strangers just because. You can’t break up with your current beau even though you are unhappy, because you’re too scared to start over.
  6. Comparing yourself to people your age.
    OCD (Obsessive Comparison Disorder) is term coined by allgroanup.com. This is a common condition among today’s youth; but honestly, they are also the ones to blame for falling prey to such obvious media traps.
  7. Time seems to flow so fast and out of your control.
    I feels just like yesterday when I graduated from college. Long gone are the days when studies are my priorities. The days now change very fast as I concern myself with deadlines and countless overtime sessions at work. It feels like my employer owns me. Now I’m too scared to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow as my 30 year-old self. Yikes.

Now here are the things I do in order to deal with it:

happy

Photo credits: camein.com

  1. Cure your OCD at its first sign before it gets worse.
    Someone told me that quitting Facebook is a social suicide. You know what? He’s right. But I’m a lot happier without it.
    Always remind yourself that life isn’t a race. The only persons that you should compare yourself to are your old self and your future (ideal) self. If possible, find a mentor, or a role model. Personally, I find Sophia Amoruso’s story extremely inspiring (#Girlboss).
  2. Get out of that bubble.
    The world is your friggin oyster so don’t you ever think that you got no other options. Don’t make excuses. Act on it. Great ideas are useless if not paired with action.
  3. Stop stressing over the things that you have no control over.
    Be grateful about the good things and don’t mind the bad. Besides, worrying won’t solve anything.
  4. Take time to smell the flowers.
    Smell them so forcefully that the pollens get inside your nostrils. Always cease the day.
  5. Make a solid schedule and develop habits. Make sure to stick with them.
    Nothing is more powerful than good habits, as they dictate your automatic response to everyday things. This also helps manage your limited time (and energy). I always find myself lacking time to do the things I truly want, but as a friend said, “Living and not doing the things that you love cannot even be considered living at all.”
  6. Stop being such a people pleaser.
    You don’t need other people’s constant reassurance.
  7. Learn what you really, truly love. And then, pursue it will flaming passion.
    If you’re gonna fail, fail NOW, rather than in your 30’s or 40’s. Don’t be scared to try something new. Never fall into the trap of thinking “Well, I’m already on this path so even though I’m unhappy, I’ll just continue going through it.” Do yourself a favor and stop compromising your happiness. You can do better.

Above all, just always remember that you are not alone in this. Take this opportunity to finally figure out who you are and what you should be aiming for. But then again you don’t need to have it all figured out–just enjoy the ride.

So What Have I Been Up To Lately?

Standard
8631786516_c497be8758_b.jpg

Photo credits: http://www.flickr.comThiNoVN

 

As you might have noticed, I got a new domain name and changed the previous “avantgardewallflower.com” to “mejustbeing.me” (Hopefully not trying too hard to sound witty. Haha). For starters, avant-garde sounds a bit too ambitious, arrogant even. Last year I really was just racking my brain for anything. I was like, “Well, I want my blog to showcase all my artistic prowess. Avant-garde would be a nice touch.” Aaaaand you know what happened. I kinda wasted my one year’s worth of domain purchase and published a pitiful number of posts.

This time, I just want my blog to feel personal. Something I will be comfortable to go back to every now and then, to share and write even my most trivial random thoughts.

For now I’ll go check on how I fared in my previous year’s New Year’s resolutions:

1) Written at least three posts a week in this blog (a total of 156 posts or more) – Nah. I was able to do six posts over the course of one year. Yes. S-I-X. Averaging one post every two months. And I’m not very proud of it. Meh.

2) Created my Let’s Play channel in Youtube and posted a couple of videos – Yes! Here’s my channel btw. (WARNING: Brace yourself for the sheer cringeworthy-ness of this channel.) https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2sDMedNcYcdvv1tivupGAg

3) Finished writing at least one fantasy novel – Nah. My excuse? I chose Let’s Play over NaNoWriMo. Seriously though, how could I not do both?

4) Bought a nice Wacom pen tablet and learned to make digital arts – Yes! Sadly I never have enough time to draw. I can share this one drawing though:

3.1 (1)

I can at least share this one.

5) Made my first otome game with Eu – Nah. We realized it’s a lot harder to create a game. We’ll surely do it someday though.

6) Visited Japan – Nah. Unfortunately, the VISA requirement is still up, contrary to the rumors that it will be lifted. I learned that visiting Japan isn’t as easy as it sounds (especially if you don’t have the moolah). Got some goodies from Japan though, from friends who visited there. I will create a separate post about that.

7) Started my first business venture (whatever that would be) – Yes! It’s not exactly a solid business, but more of an investment circle. I’m now part of a group of *ehem*young*ehem* people who encourage (and pressure) one other to save and invest in different forms of businesses. It’s called “Para sa Ekonomiya.”

shiela3

This is the logo I made for the group’s travel agency.

Three out of seven. Not bad isn’t it? It was at least worth a shot. 🙂

Anyways I’ll post another entry one of these days. (Surely!) 🙂

Confessions of a CoC-holic

Standard

Allow me to explain.

Starting January until just lately, it was “busy season” at work (I work for an international auditing firm). I worked for 10-14 hours on a daily basis and it was extremely tiring for my poor introverted self. I needed a fast, guilt-free stress-reliever.

coc

Now unless you live under a rock, you would know what Clash of Clans is. It’s a free mobile strategy game for Android. The community for this game is quite big in the Philippines. When I ride on jeepneys, 50% of the time, I’d catch someone open up his phone and check his CoC account. I personally didn’t like it at first–joining in the bandwagon just because it’s popular at the moment–but something changed when I heard my older sister and brother talk about it. Yuya recommended it as well. So out of curiosity, I downloaded the app and tried it. I took it as a challenge to catch up to my brother and Yuya who started playing way long before I did.

I was a casual gamer at first, but a week later I was invited to a clan (it’s a clan called “christfollowers”), and the challenge level went up a notch. I was immediately promoted to a co-leader and I never left the clan since joining. It was also interesting to have people repeatedly ask me if I really am a girl, and not believe me when I say yes–most probably because they can’t believe a girl plays CoC better than them. Ohoho~ *ehem*girl power*ehem* And soon enough, I was hooked. (And yep, this very much explains my total lack of activity lately.)

I started playing in the middle of January, and now my village looks like this:COC_village

It’s a good farming base for Townhall 7; makes it difficult for raiders to steal my hard-earned dark elixir.

coc_war mode

This one’s my war base. The goal is to keep the enemy from scoring 3 stars when they attack me during clan wars.

Personally, I think what makes the game so addicting is the community. In a clan where teamwork is the key to growth, it can be quite embarassing not to participate during clan wars, most especially if you’re one of the leaders. It’s also worth noting that if you are extremely competitive, it is hard to abandon the village you worked so hard to build. I know this personally and having Yuya on the same clan makes it difficult for me to drop my A-game.

But then again, right now I should be out there creating my game, not playing one. 🙂 *shoutout to Eu-chan. Woohoo~*

Ah well. I’m done with the addiction. Perhaps I’ll just write a “Guide to CoC” next time so I don’t put all those playing hours to waste. 😉

Mess Up That Clean Slate: Make Forecasts, Not Resolutions

Standard

It’s that time of the year again, to say bye bye to your old self and to give birth to the endless possibilities of the coming year. A new chance to start on a clean slate.

I’m not fan of New Year’s resolutions though. It’s so easy to mess up resolutions in as early as week one. You know why? Because unexpected things happen that are out of our control, and that’s really just part of life. We just have to be flexible enough to deal with it and carry on after initial ‘failures’. So stop crying in that pity corner if you messed up as early as now. 😀

In accounting, we do this thing called forecasting. We get data from the previous year and make a reasonable prediction for the coming year. Then by the end of that year, we get the variances between the actual result and the forecast, and analyze what caused them.

I think it would be nice to apply it in our personal lives. They’re technically like goals, but goals sound more grand and daunting. Forecasts just sound more comfortingly achievable, and it’s kind of empowering to look at them as predictions that can actually happen.

What’s wrong with resolutions is that they’re so basic, that we easily get discouraged once we mess up. So rather than making the common New Year’s resolutions, I made these personal “forecasts” to focus more on the big picture. By the end of 2015, I would have:

1) Written at least three posts a week in this blog (a total of 156 posts or more)

forecast 1

2) Created my Let’s Play channel in Youtube and posted a couple of videos

forecast 2

3) Finished writing at least one fantasy novel

forecast 3

4) Bought a nice Wacom pen tablet and learned to make digital arts

forecast 4

5) Made my first otome game with Eu

forecast 5

6) Visited Japan

forecast 6

7) Started my first business venture (whatever that would be)

forecast 7

These are my life-long dreams, and it’s incredibly overwhelming to think that I will start pursuing them all this year. But then again, when else will I start? For every goal, we need to take action. After all, how can we reach where we want to be, if we’re not even willing to take the first step?

With that said, have a fantastic year and don’t be afraid of smudging dirt on that clean 2015 slate. What’s important is that you don’t easily get discouraged by failures. Never give up on your dreams no matter how seemingly far they would seem. (Of course I’m talking to myself as well. lol)

Good luck to us! 🙂

[Credit: cartoons drawn using ericthecircle.com]

Quarter Life Problems

Standard

Aaaaand I’m back! It’s been more than two years since my last post in this blog. It’s been a rollercoaster ride for me ever since. But now that I’m recovering from my self-imposed quarter life crisis (definition by Wiki: a period of life usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult), I’m determined to bring back my old self.

Since then a lot of things happened: I had graduated from college, passed the Board Exam for CPA’s, had my first two jobs, and now I am on a vacation–transition to the next job–so yes that’s about three jobs for almost a span of two years. Oops. :-p

I realized I was burning out more easily than before. I’m guessing it’s because of the lack of this–writing my thoughts on my own journal–and, God forbid, I felt like I was losing my own personality. In short, I didn’t notice that I was already trying to blend in with the crowd.

I got too preoccupied by how fast time flies that each passing moment was losing its essence; I was too scared of the responsibilities, of getting old. I will not elaborate on the details, but I felt like I was always running out of time, that I couldn’t anymore afford to stop to smell the flowers unlike back in the day. And being the introvert that I am, who expresses herself better in writing, I eventually lost my voice in this world full of noise. Every thoughts ingrained on me, nstead of asking, “Is this what God wants for me? Is this what I truly desire?” I tend to ask “Is this the best course of action to take?” to other people who are no better in making decisions for themselves.

Don’t get me wrong, I really really tried to go back. Every now and then I would play games and watch anime too (also in a hasteful manner) but the hype would only last for a moment. I tried writing blog posts again and again but always got distracted and decide not to post them. (Perhaps I was waiting for an epic idea to make my comeback post, but alas, no such idea hit me.)

Well at least I made the effort. 🙂 For my next posts I will share what I have been up to lately.

For now look at the picture of Octo. Just because. Hoho.

Meow.

Birthday Surprise!

Standard

(Note: This post has been long delayed.)

.

My only goal for that day was to not come late for our FinMan class (because supposedly accreditors would come to our class, and I wouldn’t want the professor to get angry at me for being late). I was quite early but Kat and Dianne were already there. And then Kat asked me, “Dyan ba uupo si Shiela?” pointing to the empty seat beside me. I said yes, and she placed a box-like thingy wrapped in glossy blue and black cloth on the armrest. A pair of twisty chopsticks was fastened on the side. No doubt, Kat’s homemade Japanese dish.

.

A few minutes later after Shiela failed to show up (she was late for that day) Kat said, “Actually Janine, sa’yo yan. ^^” I was like, “Eh? Ano meron?” but didn’t protest any more because I was too curious of what the Pandora’s Box might actually reveal. I carefully unwrapped the cloth, and before me were a lovely bento and a box of pretzel-sticks-dipped-in-chocolate-and-almond-peanuts a.k.a Korean Pocky. o_o

.

.

Ladybug: half of a tomato

Dots: nori

Eyes: mayonnaise + nori o_o (I was so scared that the mayo would get ruined on my way home)

.

.

Sunflowers: sausage + flat elongated pieces of eggs held in place by toothpicks

.

Hearts under the umbrella: eggs + ketchup. This one I can’t imagine how she shaped. It’s from a different batch of eggs from those she used on the ribbon and the sunflower petals. The umbrella is also very kawaii~

.

Flowerbed: ham + lettuce + a bunch of carrots and baby corn

.

.

Everything was so craftily made. X3
My mom saw this and was like, “Bakit ka binigyan ng kaklase mo ng pagkain? Kasi mukha kang di kumakain?” Sheesh. -.-

Anyway, thank you sooo much Kat! All the hard work you put in this is just so amazing.

.

I remember, she also gave me one three years ago. A black neko bento.

.

Sabi sa’yo pusa talaga tingin sa akin ni Kat eh. Haha.

.

Bibi Turtle eyeing the food. -_-

.

Moving on. The end of our International Accounting class was a bigger surprise. People started leaving the room when my ‘lunch-mates’ suddenly started singing Happy Birthday and magically produced a gift! Simply shocking. >.<

.

Yes that’s my wrist. Got any problem with that? @_@ (ughh I’m so thin)

.

.

Forgive me for the poor quality of the pictures. I really just wanted to open it already, and all I had in my hand was my cellphone.  Talk about excited. And gosh, Dianne gave me a hard time unwrapping the gift. XD (she wrapped this)

.

Beats headphones! Whoahoahoahoa!!! XD

.

It’s fake, but still… Whoahoahoahoa!!!

.

I feel like I got the two gifts I wanted for the exchange gift. I love eeet! Honestly I wasn’t expecting anything, because it still wasn’t my birthday yet after all. Thank you so much guys! -^^-

Debut as a Literary Editor

Standard

Yeah, I got appointed as the literary editor of the first official UE JPIA paper. Not glad with the extra responsibilities, but I was happy nonetheless because I get to draw comic strips.

.

There was one huge problem though. I’m a certified procrastinator.

.

The week after the appointment, I totally blew off my weekends, dozed off, and did random stuff I can’t even remember doing anymore. The night before classes resumed, Shei, the editor-in-chief, texted the staff that all articles are due the day after. Technically, I hadn’t done anything yet. Zilch. Nada. Totally zero. But I didn’t want to disappoint Mr. editor-in-chief (for personal reasons >.<) so I rushed off and did my best to finish one short story, a picture of that short story, a speech bubble character, and at least two comic strips. I started at 9pm and finished at around 3am I think. No more drafts and revisions and scratch papers and stuff.

This might be the corniest comic strip I’ve done to date. But who cares, I didn’t place my name in it. (–,)

.

You might be asking, why name her like that? It was the time pressure okay, and I couldn’t come up with a better name with the initials CPA. :p

.

And this one is a UE student caricature. I really have no heart for editorial cartooning because they make drawing really heavy and inky and messy—not my style—but I had to, so there ‘ya go.

.

Oh yeah~~ Boy Backup strikes again.

If you don’t get the banat, well you know, of all the fixed assets–buildings, machineries and equipment, etc.–only land appreciates in value over time instead of depreciating. And lupa = land. Gets? Hehe.

.

I wanted to post this already, and I believe I wouldn’t break any breach of secrecy or anything by doing so. Still, I apologize that I posted it in here even before the publishing date of the paper. It barely matters though. Only a couple of people know about the existence of this blog anyway. :p

Death Anniversary

Standard

*This is a -very- short story.*

She could see it all so clearly.

First they’d both be realizing their parallel dreams. Once they’re already financially ready, they’d get married and she’d happily bear his surname. She’d contentedly wake up every morning and would cook his favorite meals, kiss him goodbye as he departs for his work. Each day wouldn’t be complete without hugs and kisses. She could even imagine his face smiling at her from across the table as he browses his usual morning newspaper. The smell of coffee would diffuse throughout the kitchen, her dream kitchen, her dream house, with her dream husband.

They were totally in sync and their hobbies complemented one another. She knew there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship but she knew theirs would be great. A relationship having God as its foundation can never go wrong. They’d live happily ever after.

Everyday she wakes up, she felt inspired and energized. I found him. I just know it’s him. Thank you Lord for letting me find my soul mate at such a very young age. She was so very resolute in treasuring the relationship.

Why didn’t she see it coming? He doesn’t drink coffee; he drinks hot choco. He doesn’t read newspaper in the morning; his laptop is his buddy from morning ‘til midnight. And without doubt, she’ll never be able to live happily ever after with a man who thoroughly enjoys women’s company. Once, after seeing Rihanna’s latest music video, she jokingly asked him, “What if I tell you that I want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world?” He replied, “I’m sorry but you’re asking the impossible.” He’s everybody’s confidant. Most of his friends are girls. He had friends that she didn’t even know. Eventually he told her that she’s being too jealous of everything and everyone he interacts with. He stopped treating her the way he did before. He’d go home very late and they wouldn’t even be able to text anymore. He had too many unnecessary activities and his time for her became less and less. He mingled with more women. Fights broke and everything became a haze. They were out of control. Not long after, they drifted apart and it was as if no relationship ever happened.

Having these thoughts in mind, to see her dreams crash and burn before her eyes, how can they tell her to not make it a big deal, move on, and just keep her hope alive? To hope that someday she’ll be able to love again. How can they expect her to do it if she’s already so, so scared of falling in love again..?

For months she’d wake up every morning with no motivation whatsoever. Everything she’d do would be done half-heartedly. Everything was a haze; her life had already ended because it no longer had a purpose. Each day was dragging, colorless and ethereal. No matter how beautiful the world is, it is all but a blur to a heartbroken person who’s constantly blinded with tears.

A year later, she felt her feet pulling her to the cemetery, and soon she was being drawn to a certain gravestone. She smiled wryly at it as she tossed a handful of half-withered flowers. “Happy death anniversary my dear.”

Meh. 500 words, I think I’ve lost my writing touch. It feels rushed. *well duh, I’m in a rush.* I’ll edit it once I have the time.

Anyway, interpret the story the way you like it. 🙂 Pardon me for the errors. This is raw and unedited.

Yosh~! *off to study BLT*

EDIT: Oh gosh I’ve just realized this is so emooo~ Me don’t like. Ughh. >.<

My Magical Pocket Watch Thingy

Standard

I haven’t been wearing a wristwatch for over a year now. I thought, “Having a watch only gives me jitters.” Like, whenever I run late from going to school, I’d go nuts everytime the jeepney driver would stop by every street to wait for passengers, all the while hearing my wristwatch ticking endlessly. I don’t bring cellphone to school either, so I have no reference of the time whatsoever. *I only glance at other people’s watches every now and then.*

The downside is, ever since I abandoned my watch, I had grown relaxed every morning and I’ve always been late for class for not less than 15 minutes. So I decided it’s about time that I buy a new one.

 

I saw this beauty somewhere along Morayta. Bought it for Php100.

Me: Manong wala na bang ibababa yun?

Manong: Wala na miss eh.. P5 lang tubo namin dyan.

Me: (-_-) *as if I’d believe that* Okay. *gives Php100*

I was so happy with my purchase because it’s so cheap yet it looks so nice and dandy. I even saw a close replica of it in the ending sequence of the anime “Pandora Hearts.” Here’s hoping that I won’t be late again for classes since I have a watch now. I’m not gonna have it hang around my neck though. Too heavy. I’ll keep it safe in my pocket.

Why so many pictures? No I’m not selling. But I guess I’m sort of advertising huh.. Maybe I should ask the vendor for some commission or something. Even the Php5 markup will do. Heheh. :p